it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
