cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
