wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
