i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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