New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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