my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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