What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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