Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
