My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
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It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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