i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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