My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
