Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize