I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
