im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
there is glitter all over my balls
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