I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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