I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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