I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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