***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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