I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
