I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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