if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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