Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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