Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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