The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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