Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
