I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
