My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He felt like a one man threesome
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
