no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
birth control should be required to get into college
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
