The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
