there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
