So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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