even my farts smell like vagina
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
