the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
