Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
too bad you live with your parents still
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
