how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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