remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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