why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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