Your mouth is God's brothel.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
