Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
