Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
