I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
