I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
