turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
