My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
