I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
