Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
