i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
