You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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