He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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