My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
