theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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