Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
