Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
