i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
