TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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