the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
