Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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