So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
